Sunday, April 5, 2015

I Can Remember And Think Of All The Happy Times We Spent Together

1 Thoughts Posted by Punk Rock Dad at 10:29 PM


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There was a day where I didn't think I'd ever get over the loss.  Those first minutes, hours, days, and months dragged on.  It's like the sands of time grinding against you as if it was 30 grit sand paper.  But then you stop counting the minutes and days and months. It becomes years and the milestones are farther apart.  Then it's a struggle to remember the milestones.  And it's not that you don't want to remember, it's that there's distance between you and that emotional ground zero where you once were.  Other milestones, some good and some bad, begin to populate your memory and consume your emotional bandwidth.

It's a horrible feeling because you wonder if you’re beginning to forget the memories.  And even worse, wondering if you’re beginning to forget person.

But it's natural to grow and step forward.  At least that’s what I’m telling myself these days.  Our head and hearts have finite amount of space to remember everything.  We talk about infinite love in our hearts but when it comes to the etchings of pain and joy, you end up ‘writing’ over some things on a long enough timeline.

This last year has been marked with much stress and anxiety.  And I’m feeling like those near term moments are starting to impede on other long term memories.  I've gotten to the point where my emotional multitasking has become incredibly inefficient and possibly ineffective.

It's been 11 years. 11. Writing that number is like almost admitting that you're starting to forget and that isn't fair to him or me.  It’s easy to say that “time heals” and make excuses like “well I’ve been busy.”  Those little clichés help you justify that you don’t think about it as much as you think you should.  But what is the right amount?  The guilt I'm having is the reminder of remembering him. It’s acceptance today that I can forget somethings and remember others.

I may not remember exactly each moment we had or what words were said.  I may not even feel the exact same despair and grief as I did 11 years ago.  That doesn’t mean I’ve forgot. That doesn’t mean the love or grief is any less.  I’m just learning to live and not use the loss and grief as an excuse for being messed up.  I can remember and forget, together, and that’s OK.

I can remember that somehow we'll carry on

I can remember that sometimes we’ll forget things
I can remember that we spent a lot of happy times together      
I can remember that you were my closest friend
I can remember that you’re still my brother

 

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