It’s long been said that girls who hang out together can get ‘in phase’ with their monthly visitor.  And while the discussion of bodily functions isn’t necessarily the most appropriate of blog entries, I've developed a theory onthe aforementioned ‘in-phase’ phenomenon.  But by contrast, this involves the opposite gender, specifically 9 and 10 year old boys.

Son #1 has odd bathroom habits.  And coincidentally, so do his friends.

A typical weekend in my house involves Son #1, his friends, and Minecraft.  If you’re not familiar with the pre-teen boy interest of Minecraft, consider yourself one of the luckiest OR one of the blissfully oblivious people on the face of the Earth.  Minecraft is a video game.  An annoying video game.  But it’s an obsession of my children and their friends.  Our weekly routine consists of sleepovers, pizza, hours of Minecraft, and now…….bowel movements.

Let me break this down for you.  These kids are up at 6:38AM wanting play this damn videogame.  They come marching into our room like a pack of rhinos.  Three nine year old boys aren’t quiet.  Let me just say that at this time of year, it’s O-dark-30.  Despite being in a delusional sleep state, my wife has enough sense about her to realize the darkness along with the request and sidetracks the delinquents for the moment.  She tells them to go watch TV for an hour.  Now while this seems like swapping one screen for another, it’s a fair strategy to remove the noise factor from a videogame which breeds bickering and whining.  Needless to say, the three of them posted up in our bonus room watching an infomercial selling a get-in-shape DVD.

An hour passes, they’ve served their hour sentence of TV and now it’s on to the videogame.  Since there are three of them, we make them alternate and take turns.  15 minute intervals are mandatory for the game in our house.  But none of this matters.  What matters is the frequency of departures from the game for bowel movements.

The game started with Son #1 and Friend #1 taking the first round on Minecraft.  Friend #2 gets bored and starts grazing through the pantry looking for sustenance.  Forget respect for others people’s property, these kids make themselves at home and are hungry.  Fortunately in this regard, my wife out-maneuvered these kids’ appetites.  The night before this particular screen filled morning she baked a least a dozen muffins for their grazing.  The boys were instructed to refrain from raiding the pantry and to only eat the muffins.  She was mostly successful in this directive.  Only a few granola bars were consumed.  Unlike the week before where the three boys devoured a box and a half of them.

And now the ‘Parade of Poop’ begins.  After the first game rotation, Friend #1 was free to relieve himself.  Off he marched to the bathroom.  How do I know the business that was being tended to?  I was in the neighboring office as the pending crime against my toilet was being committed.  I heard the steps into the bathroom, the door close, and the fan get switched on.  Besides no boy stays in the bathroom that long to pee.  As a dude, you’re only in the bathroom for that length of time for one of two things.  Confirmation was made after I walked by the bathroom and the aroma a freshly dumped turd was wafting through the air.

A few rotations passed and then Friend #2 took his shot.  Similar actions transpired leading up to the crime.  Similar results and conclusions were drawn by me.

They say third time’s a charm.  Not to be outdone by his friends, Son #1 then took his shot.  As his friends were being picked up by their parental unit, Son #1 made his contribution to the sewer system of the neighborhood.  He disappeared for bit only to shout out a ‘goodbye’ from his porcelain throne.  But unlike either of his two friends, Son #1 proceeded to complicate plumbing matters with the granite-like density of his toiletry deposit.  Looks like another job for me, the resident plumber.

Anyway, all of my observations that morning got me thinking and I came up with three very distinct realities.  First, the plumbing in my house is getting a serious workout from these pre-teen poop-o-potamuses.  I seriously wonder if the water company has alerts or surveys customers for increased and possibly ‘alarming’ usage (like Big Brother is watching type of alarm).  Water use agents may be dispatched to my residence for the crimes against the sewer system.  Second, I have financial advice for all of my readers, family and friends; Charmin stock value is going to be rising so get in now while shares are low.  Earn your millions from these kids.  Wait.  Buy Target stock instead.  My wife buys Target-brand butt wipes.  And third, there MUST be a correlation between pre-teen boys who hang out together frequently, Minecraft videogame, and bowel movements.

My conclusion is pretty simple:  Much like a group of girls and their aligned monthly visitor, boys in a common friendship groups have aligning ‘phases’ of bowel movements.  And to further this conclusion, I believe that Minecraft relaxes the colon.  I plan on writing to a medical journal about my study to see if I can get published.  As an aside, I think there’s a ‘halo’ effect as well.  Both Son #2 and I got in on the business but we weren’t playing the game, just aware that it was being played.  That will be the second edition of my entry into a medical journal.

UPDATE:  I picked up Son #1 and his two friends up from school today.  First thing when arriving at the home front was firing up some Minecraft.  And like clockwork, a parade of poop!

In the last six months, I‘ve tried to reduce my exposure to ‘social’ networks like Facebook.  The reason; I typically don’t like to broadcast my existence (except when getting kicked out of hotel rooms).  Now for me, FB is more of a once-a-week comedic relief for reading people’s rants about everything from religion to Obama to doctors to the weather.  I used to use the check in feature for airports and hotels I’ve traveled to.  But I’ve even cut back on that.  Awhile back, a Facebook ‘friend’ inquired about my travel and how ‘fun’ it must be.  The thought was that it seemed like I was always on vacation.

The inquiry got me thinking and it’s been on my mind for months.  I’m pretty lucky to have had the opportunity to see a lot of the world.  Now to be fair, there’s nothing romantic about traveling on business; even if I do get to tack on vacations at some of the more desirable spots I end up in.  Bottom line is this: you’re not at home.  The perks are business class seating, priority boarding, and sometimes drivers and personal handlers.  I won’t lie, that’s pretty bad ass.  But my travel can be summarized by some VERY long days and nights leading up to the trip where preparation is essential.  Then it’s long flights and layovers in random airports somewhere around the world.  This is followed by stress that you might not make your connection because the idiots in front of you have never been in an airport and can’t find their way.  They’re in your way and all you want to do is punch them in the mouth because you weren’t able to sleep on your last flight because the German guy who sat next to you snored the ENTIRE time.  Why do Germans snore so loud?  And when you finally get to your hotel, the staff is way too polite and always in your business.  Trust me, after traveling for over 24 hours, you want to be left the hell alone.  Then there’s the jet lag.

All of the ‘drama’ aside, I recognize that I have a pretty special opportunity to see so many places around the world and meet some of the most interesting people.  By my count, I have visited 23 unique cities and 16 unique countries in the last 30 months.  Not a bad canvasing of the globe.  That’s a whole lot of immigration and customs lines to stand in.

When I returned from my last trip of 2014, it got me thinking about big things.  I’m an idealist and in December I’m in overdrive about my ideologies.  Specifically at this moment it’s gratitude for all that I’ve been given.  And when I say all, I mean ALL.  I have no shortage of thinks to be grateful for.  Both good and bad.

I’ve seen just how different but coincidentally similar the rest of the world is when compared to the U.S.  Also, I’ve seen firsthand how so many people worldwide envy our existence in this country.  People die to come here for what our nation stands for.  They’re coming from dirt bag areas of foreign countries and rich socially elite areas.  They come for the prosperity and the notion we here sometimes forget – freedom.  Still, we complain on Facebook that traffic sucks, our jobs suck, or someone unfriended us, or there’s no dislike button.  Secretly behind closed doors we grit our teeth about how boisterous our ‘friends’ are.  We’re just so pessimistic and so competitive at times.

My rant here isn’t about Facebook or any of the users.  It’s just one of many vices which have enabled us to become more divergent from one another by allowing people to view and judge each other through a veil of anonymity.  A metric for our life’s successes have now become how many likes we have on our statuses or pictures posted.  If I get enough likes, my content will be pushed to the top of a news feed, others will like it, more virtual popularity for me!

Prepare for preachy.

Success to me is personal happiness.  To get there is having gratitude for everything.

I’m so appreciative of being able to travel, see the world and its alternate perspectives, and being able to engage different cultures.  You can’t help but get a better perspective on life.  I’ve been to countries where the local businesses are only open 2-4 hours a day.  The remaining hours are spent fishing, sitting in an old lawn chairs with friends, and being hospitable to others despite differences.  Scenes like this replay over and over all over the world.  People appreciating what they have.  People living in their moments.  In Tahiti, my wife and I tried to find a late lunch at 2PM and every restaurant and convenience store was closed for the afternoon.  Later we found that everyone heads to the beach for the afternoon.  Island customs, appreciating time together and enjoying paradise.  And I once sat and stared out of my hotel window in Jeddah at an Arab family having a picnic on the coast of the Red Sea.  Just being together, enjoying each other.  A family moment.

We’re nothing more than bags of meat hurtling through space and time on a spinning rock.  But the one thing that I’ve taken away from all of my travel; universally we all want the same thing; happiness.  To be happy, we need to have gratitude and appreciate our existence.  Don’t let Facebook be the jury of your peers.

Being grateful is something I constantly try to impart on my boys.  For them it’s tough to understand.  First of all, they’re too young to understand adversity and have perspective for which I’m glad.  Stay innocent and naive as long as you can.  Second, their lives are full of spoils.  Houses, cars, toys, clothes, food.  We’ve worked tirelessly to build stability around them.  Not just with the tangibles, but with the intangibles.  Love, effort, perseverance, commitment, faith.  These are the tenets of our household and virtues we follow every day.  These, and a little luck, are the recipe for the resulting tangibles.

Effort and love you don’t always ‘see’ with your eyes.  But I know they feel them.  Unfortunately for me is that at their age, evidence is tangible.  But perspective will come, I don’t worry. I just always bring up examples of gratitude.

I can only look back now because I’m older.  Was I grateful when I was young?  Doubt it.  And that isn’t because my parents didn’t teach me to be grateful.  They tried to a lot.  But they also did much more than that.  They made me and my brother feel comfortable in our existence.  Love and support came at full speed.  There were times we didn’t have much and I never knew we went without.  Why?  I knew my parents would turn the world over for me.  I saw them work hard at everything they did.  Perseverance is the single most important thing I’ve learned from them.  I appreciate my humble beginnings and the examples that paved the way to today.

I don’t have a moral here only a simple wish during the holiday season and the beginning of this New Year.  Remove yourself from competing and judging.  Spend time in positivity appreciating your existence and where you’ve come from.  Your job may suck, but you’re getting paid.  Your house may feel too small, but you’re warm.  Change your perspective.  Take a hike and enjoy your natural surroundings.  Take a bike ride and smell the fresh crisp air.  Listen to music or read a book and become inspired.  Play with your children and listen to them giggle as you tickle them.  And most importantly, give hugs to those who’ve changed your life and made you better, made you happy, made you smile.  Be appreciative of their existence within you. Then, use Facebook to share how much that means.  Show your gratitude.

Existing is easy, appreciating is hard.