One thing this blog affords me is the ability to channel my emotions and thoughts in a single source delivery method to an audience of many or an audience of one. I am guilty of the fact that I love to hear my own voice whether in print or in pontification. But more importantly, I just hope to reach other souls out there and, with any luck, positively change lives. I am less about inventions, medical science, and politics, and more about lifting hearts through openness and transparency. Too many people live under a vale of secrecy over their feelings. I digress.

With the passing of Valentine’s Day, a Hallmark holiday which I will not subscribe to, I am left thinking about where my heart lies. People who know me know that I am very appreciative of the souls who have carried me through my tough times and I am incredibly loyal to them. So this entry marks praise for someone so important in unspoken yet heartfelt ways that I felt deeply inclined to write a passage. Not enough praise goes to the woman I call my wife. Publically and personally, I try to make it clear the value she adds to my life. But I feel today that sort of promotion has been insufficient because her spirit is so beautiful. So I am writing about her worth here.

My wife has had to adapt to the emotional turbulence of my life. That is no short order. She has been strong and accommodating, stern and compassionate, mean and supportive. All of these administered at the appropriate times and with the appropriate dosage. I’ve been thinking lately that it is hard to capture in words the depth she has burrowed into my heart. So why take on this challenge of creating an entry about her? The answer is simple. She has challenged me to become a better person and as a result, I have experienced emotional growth and love that I would have never dreamt of.

She and I have known each other for about two decades. That is 20 years for those of you who are mathematically challenged. If you are scoring at home, that is over half of my life I have known my wife. And she hasn’t left me yet, you say? We have grown up together in different circles, found our own goals and dreams, crossed paths, and reunited as we matured. We have only been married five years but this long history can unequivocally help sculpt your future as a couple. You know each other inside and out. Over the years, she learned a lot about me and my personal setbacks. She was very patient in allowing me to discover myself when, in fact, she all ready knew the answers I was in search of.

She held the keys at times, maybe not knowing, but unconditionally supporting me and giving me the love that I needed to make better decisions. There were many times that I know it would have been easier to turn away, but she chose to stand with me in the winds of despair and hold my hand. Am I glamorizing or stylistically writing it here? Nope. One example, I lost my brother a few years ago and wanted to die. Literally. She didn’t let that happen. Over the years, I have been ill, depressed, left out, ashamed, lost, and misguided. Every time, I have felt loved by her. There is no way to describe the confidence that this gives you. Like nothing can destroy you. Through her eyes, I have really learned more about myself than through any other format. Reflecting back on the years, I can come up with so many times where her words and actions have steered me off of the shoulder and back on to the roadway. At times, sure, I hate that she is right or tries to tell me what to do. One thing that I’ve realized is that she is always honest and pure with me. Together, we have shared our dreams and built the foundation of the future, together. One thing I still do is make mix tapes, always have. The media and delivery have changed over the years but the message in the music and cover art are still as important as they ever were. In a futile attempt to capture our life to song, for Valentine’s Day I created an album called Sanctuary. Twelve songs outlining how I feel about her and our life together. It is the soundtrack to the story of my wife as I see it.

I am pretty lucky to have fallen into such a great relationship. Fortunately, I’ve been able to hold on to her (or maybe I am her project to manage). In any event, I am blessed to have her in my life. She has given me Sons #1 and #2. Which, unfortunately for her, are pretty much clones of their father. I wanted a daughter for so long that it hurt. But these two boys. These two wonderful boys are gifts from her that are so much more valuable than anything I have ever had near me. Except one thing: her heart. Sorry boys, your Mom is #1 with me.


Valentine’s Day; we don’t celebrate it. It’s not our thing. But I believe in my heart that she deserves to be acknowledged in how incredibly influential she has been in my life. There is no way one day would do her justice. Nor would a year. I can only hope that through my lifetime, I will be able to give her the love and compassion she deserves, fulfill her dreams, and pay her back for saving my life. I can’t pretend that I have everything figured out with us. But at least I know she and I will find the answers together. I love you Yvonne.

As my stress level boils over and my blood pressure peaks at levels unsafe for mortal man, I am sitting here and attempting to wrap my arms around a topic which suits this entry. What struck me was that some days require so much strength and resilience to just get through. That idea seemed like something I could address here. I must disclaim now that you should not read on through this entry if you (1) are offended by my harshness and colorful descriptions of life or (2) are opposed to inspirational thought mustered through courage and sacrifice. This entry runs the risk of offending someone, hurting feelings, and having people question my sanity.

So onward I press. Those that know me know that I have lived with a chip on my shoulder feeling there is a common thread in this universe that believes I am inadequate. It is a simple underdog type mentality if I had to categorize it. I have always felt that this was a common denominator I shared with some of my closest friends and family. We have felt less than desirable, like we are the forgotten sons and daughters. This small generalization is the combustible oil which has fueled my burning desire to go farther, work harder, be better, and set expectations to near unachievable levels. As a result, at times I have fought depression and introspectively wondered if I really was what ‘they’ thought.

I guess my message here is to those just like me that are struggling to find direction and strength when constantly being dealt haymaker blows across the chin. It’s for those who have choked back tears and swallowed lies. It’s for those whose lives have been unexpectedly rearranged by loss. It’s for those who work for a better tomorrow for their children to give them a landscape where they can create and follow their destiny with the greatest of success. It’s for those who feel they are an audience of one and no one is listening. You are not alone. If you listen closely, you can hear other angry voices coming from garages around the world. It has never been as easy being a grown up as it seemed when you were young. It seems that the setbacks and disappointments occur at a steady frequency. The feelings of helplessness surround you like sharks ready to converge on their prey. Even now, there seem to be so many things going on in our lives ranging from the shitty global economy, to the loss of loved ones, to the uncertainty in our future. I think it is easy to lose sight of the power of one’s self. I am sure that ranges from person to person. But at the end of the day, I think your spirit being intact is the same with us all.

I have been knocked around quite a bit these last few years. However, I have always managed to stagger back on to my feet. Never be a defeatist. Never give in to not being exactly what you define yourself as. I have always felt that the greatest strength is being able to find your resolve and step back up after a debilitating knock down. It’s the core attribute that will carry you through the darkest of hours and the most unfortunate of times. It’s a mix of faith and hard work packaged into a neat little word that means so much. People will talk about fate and destiny and the path chosen for you. I am a believer in creating your path and direction based on the waypoints you read along the way. There are obstacles and setbacks throughout life. There is adversity that is unavoidable but it is less about fate and ‘that’s the way things are.’ It is more about a gauge of character and how you find that inner strength to rise up, respond, and overcome defeat. Nothing is so bad that it can not be overcome by believing in one’s self and summoning that resolve. Don’t get me wrong, I always have thought things happen for a reason. But to me, it is less about fate and more about ‘how am I going to respond to this?’ and ‘what can I learn from this and learn about myself?’ The great thing about belief is that it is personal and my ideas may not mesh with yours. However, I don’t think you can deny that having inner strength and continuing to believe in your self is different in anyone’s eyes. We all want to be strong and know we are going the right way. Some call it faith, some call it resolve. Brand it however you like to help you sleep at night. Whatever you call it, find it and hold on to it tightly like Linus and his blanket.

Along the way, it will feel like everything and maybe even everyone is against you and has a hidden motive to destroy your worth and your dreams. The setback and disappointments are nothing more the lessons to dig deep and find the resolve to push on through the fear and pain. Those that stand in your way, let them continue to believe that we are failures, we are forgotten, we are lost, and we are unworthy. Our truth is what we design in our soul not through the discussions of our professional contributions or who ‘they’ think we are. We have resolve and our engines may sputter but will never die. Our days are so precious and so few that it makes no sense to not believe in your self and push to near impossible limits. Find comfort in knowing that you have the ability to rise up at any time. Your heart is like an emotional-bomb proof vault holding the fire of your soul. That fire never dies or burns out. It is your engine.


This entry has taken several days to write because of setbacks. So I have had to really dig in to be composed. But as I conclude, I am very grateful to know my soul knows no defeat. Those of you reading this entry also have it. If you have read this far, you must be intrigued or know that we all have this undying engine. In the end, I am a punk rock dad. So inevitably I don’t give a shit what anyone thinks about my abilities, personality, behavior, or what I believe in. My acceptance or approval rating can be negative with the rest of the world as long as at the end of my days here, my two sons can look back on their father’s life and say, “He did it for us.’ That is the approval I cherish. Don’t ever forget how much you mean to someone and your value is judged more in spirit and servitude to them rather than in ROI, job classifications, and core competencies.