Friday, January 30, 2015
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It’s long been said that girls who hang out together can get ‘in
phase’ with their monthly visitor. And
while the discussion of bodily functions isn’t necessarily the most appropriate
of blog entries, I've developed a theory onthe aforementioned ‘in-phase’
phenomenon. But by contrast, this
involves the opposite gender, specifically 9 and 10 year old boys.
Son #1 has odd bathroom habits.
And coincidentally, so do his friends.
A typical weekend in my house involves Son #1, his friends, and
Minecraft. If you’re not familiar with
the pre-teen boy interest of Minecraft, consider yourself one of the luckiest OR
one of the blissfully oblivious people on the face of the Earth. Minecraft is a video game. An annoying video game. But it’s an obsession of my children and
their friends. Our weekly routine
consists of sleepovers, pizza, hours of Minecraft, and now…….bowel movements.
Let me break this down for you.
These kids are up at 6:38AM wanting play this damn videogame. They come marching into our room like a pack
of rhinos. Three nine year old boys aren’t
quiet. Let me just say that at this time
of year, it’s O-dark-30. Despite being in
a delusional sleep state, my wife has enough sense about her to realize the
darkness along with the request and sidetracks the delinquents for the moment. She tells them to go watch TV for an
hour. Now while this seems like swapping
one screen for another, it’s a fair strategy to remove the noise factor from a
videogame which breeds bickering and whining.
Needless to say, the three of them posted up in our bonus room watching
an infomercial selling a get-in-shape DVD.
An hour passes, they’ve served their hour sentence of TV and now it’s
on to the videogame. Since there are
three of them, we make them alternate and take turns. 15 minute intervals are mandatory for the
game in our house. But none of this
matters. What matters is the frequency
of departures from the game for bowel movements.
The game started with Son #1 and Friend #1 taking the first round on
Minecraft. Friend #2 gets bored and
starts grazing through the pantry looking for sustenance. Forget respect for others people’s property,
these kids make themselves at home and are hungry. Fortunately in this regard, my wife out-maneuvered
these kids’ appetites. The night before
this particular screen filled morning she baked a least a dozen muffins for
their grazing. The boys were instructed
to refrain from raiding the pantry and to only eat the muffins. She was mostly successful in this
directive. Only a few granola bars were
consumed. Unlike the week before where
the three boys devoured a box and a half of them.
And now the ‘Parade of Poop’ begins.
After the first game rotation, Friend #1 was free to relieve
himself. Off he marched to the
bathroom. How do I know the business
that was being tended to? I was in the neighboring
office as the pending crime against my toilet was being committed. I heard the steps into the bathroom, the door
close, and the fan get switched on.
Besides no boy stays in the bathroom that long to pee. As a dude, you’re only in the bathroom for that
length of time for one of two things.
Confirmation was made after I walked by the bathroom and the aroma a
freshly dumped turd was wafting through the air.
A few rotations passed and then Friend #2 took his shot. Similar actions transpired leading up to the
crime. Similar results and conclusions were
drawn by me.
They say third time’s a charm. Not
to be outdone by his friends, Son #1 then took his shot. As his friends were being picked up by their
parental unit, Son #1 made his contribution to the sewer system of the
neighborhood. He disappeared for bit
only to shout out a ‘goodbye’ from his porcelain throne. But unlike either of his two friends, Son #1
proceeded to complicate plumbing matters with the granite-like density of his
toiletry deposit. Looks like another job
for me, the resident plumber.
Anyway, all of my observations that morning got me thinking and I came
up with three very distinct realities.
First, the plumbing in my house is getting a serious workout from these
pre-teen poop-o-potamuses. I seriously
wonder if the water company has alerts or surveys customers for increased and
possibly ‘alarming’ usage (like Big Brother is watching type of alarm). Water use agents may be dispatched to my
residence for the crimes against the sewer system. Second, I have financial advice for all of my
readers, family and friends; Charmin stock value is going to be rising so get
in now while shares are low. Earn your millions
from these kids. Wait. Buy Target stock instead. My wife buys Target-brand butt wipes. And third, there MUST be a correlation
between pre-teen boys who hang out together frequently, Minecraft videogame, and bowel
movements.
My conclusion is pretty simple: Much
like a group of girls and their aligned monthly visitor, boys in a common
friendship groups have aligning ‘phases’ of bowel movements. And to further this conclusion, I believe
that Minecraft relaxes the colon. I plan
on writing to a medical journal about my study to see if I can get published. As an aside, I think there’s a ‘halo’ effect
as well. Both Son #2 and I got in on the
business but we weren’t playing the game, just aware that it was being
played. That will be the second edition
of my entry into a medical journal.
UPDATE: I picked up Son #1 and his two friends up from school today. First thing when arriving at the home front was firing up some Minecraft. And like clockwork, a parade of poop!
UPDATE: I picked up Son #1 and his two friends up from school today. First thing when arriving at the home front was firing up some Minecraft. And like clockwork, a parade of poop!
Labels: ass, Boys, Commentary, Friends, Medical Advice, Minecraft, Plugged Toilets, Poop, Videogames
Saturday, January 3, 2015
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In the last six months, I‘ve tried to reduce my exposure to
‘social’ networks like Facebook. The
reason; I typically don’t like to broadcast my existence
(except when getting kicked out of hotel rooms). Now for me, FB is more of a once-a-week
comedic relief for reading people’s rants about everything from religion to
Obama to doctors to the weather. I used
to use the check in feature for airports and hotels I’ve traveled to. But I’ve even cut back on that. Awhile back, a Facebook ‘friend’ inquired
about my travel and how ‘fun’ it must be.
The thought was that it seemed like I was always on vacation.
The inquiry got me thinking and it’s been on my mind for
months. I’m pretty lucky to have had the
opportunity to see a lot of the world.
Now to be fair, there’s nothing romantic about traveling on business;
even if I do get to tack on vacations at some of the more desirable spots I end
up in. Bottom line is this: you’re not
at home. The perks are business class
seating, priority boarding, and sometimes drivers and personal handlers. I won’t lie, that’s pretty bad ass. But my travel can be summarized by some VERY
long days and nights leading up to the trip where preparation is essential. Then it’s long flights and layovers in random
airports somewhere around the world.
This is followed by stress that you might not make your connection
because the idiots in front of you have never been in an airport and can’t find
their way. They’re in your way and all
you want to do is punch them in the mouth because you weren’t able to sleep on
your last flight because the German guy who sat next to you snored the ENTIRE
time. Why do Germans snore so loud? And when you finally get to your hotel, the
staff is way too polite and always in your business. Trust me, after traveling for over 24 hours,
you want to be left the hell alone. Then
there’s the jet lag.
All of the ‘drama’ aside, I recognize that I have a pretty
special opportunity to see so many places around the world and meet some of the
most interesting people. By my count, I
have visited 23 unique cities and 16 unique countries in the last 30
months. Not a bad canvasing of the
globe. That’s a whole lot of immigration
and customs lines to stand in.
When I returned from my last trip of 2014, it got me
thinking about big things. I’m an
idealist and in December I’m in overdrive about my ideologies. Specifically at this moment it’s gratitude
for all that I’ve been given. And when I
say all, I mean ALL. I have no shortage
of thinks to be grateful for. Both good
and bad.
I’ve seen just how different but coincidentally similar the rest of the world is when
compared to the U.S. Also, I’ve seen
firsthand how so many people worldwide envy our existence in this country. People die to come here for what our nation
stands for. They’re coming from dirt bag
areas of foreign countries and rich socially elite areas. They come for the prosperity and the notion
we here sometimes forget – freedom. Still, we
complain on Facebook that traffic sucks, our jobs suck, or someone unfriended
us, or there’s no dislike button. Secretly
behind closed doors we grit our teeth about how boisterous our ‘friends’
are. We’re just so pessimistic and so
competitive at times.
My rant here isn’t about Facebook or any of the
users. It’s just one of many vices which
have enabled us to become more divergent from one another by allowing people to
view and judge each other through a veil of anonymity. A metric for our life’s successes have now
become how many likes we have on our statuses or pictures posted. If I get enough likes, my content will be
pushed to the top of a news feed, others will like it, more virtual popularity
for me!
Prepare for preachy.
Success to me is personal happiness. To get there is having gratitude for
everything.
I’m so appreciative of being able to travel, see the world
and its alternate perspectives, and being able to engage different
cultures. You can’t help but get a
better perspective on life. I’ve been to
countries where the local businesses are only open 2-4 hours a day. The remaining hours are spent fishing,
sitting in an old lawn chairs with friends, and being hospitable to others
despite differences. Scenes like this
replay over and over all over the world.
People appreciating what they have.
People living in their moments.
In Tahiti, my wife and I tried to find a late lunch at 2PM and every
restaurant and convenience store was closed for the afternoon. Later we found that everyone heads to the
beach for the afternoon. Island customs,
appreciating time together and enjoying paradise. And I once sat and stared out of my hotel
window in Jeddah at an Arab family having a picnic on the coast of the Red
Sea. Just being together, enjoying each
other. A family moment.
We’re nothing more than bags of meat hurtling through space
and time on a spinning rock. But the one
thing that I’ve taken away from all of my travel; universally we all want the
same thing; happiness. To be happy, we
need to have gratitude and appreciate our existence. Don’t let Facebook be the jury of your peers.
Being grateful is something I constantly try to impart on my
boys. For them it’s tough to understand. First of all, they’re too young to understand
adversity and have perspective for which I’m glad. Stay innocent and naive as long as you can. Second, their lives are full of spoils. Houses, cars, toys, clothes, food. We’ve worked tirelessly to build stability
around them. Not just with the
tangibles, but with the intangibles.
Love, effort, perseverance, commitment, faith. These are the tenets of our household and
virtues we follow every day. These, and
a little luck, are the recipe for the resulting tangibles.
Effort and love you don’t always ‘see’ with your eyes. But I know they feel them. Unfortunately for me is that at their age,
evidence is tangible. But perspective
will come, I don’t worry. I just always bring up examples of gratitude.
I can only look back now because I’m older. Was I grateful when I was young? Doubt it.
And that isn’t because my parents didn’t teach me to be grateful. They tried to a lot. But they also did much more than that. They made me and my brother feel comfortable
in our existence. Love and support came
at full speed. There were times we
didn’t have much and I never knew we went without. Why? I
knew my parents would turn the world over for me. I saw them work hard at everything they
did. Perseverance is the single most
important thing I’ve learned from them.
I appreciate my humble beginnings and the examples that paved the way to
today.
I don’t have a moral here only a simple wish during the
holiday season and the beginning of this New Year. Remove yourself from competing and
judging. Spend time in positivity
appreciating your existence and where you’ve come from. Your job may suck, but you’re getting paid. Your house may feel too small, but you’re
warm. Change your perspective. Take a hike and enjoy your natural
surroundings. Take a bike ride and smell
the fresh crisp air. Listen to music or
read a book and become inspired. Play
with your children and listen to them giggle as you tickle them. And most importantly, give hugs to those
who’ve changed your life and made you better, made you happy, made you
smile. Be appreciative of their
existence within you. Then, use Facebook to share how much that means. Show your gratitude.
Labels: Appreciation, Facebook, grateful, Happiness, New Year
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