A lifetime of changes has occurred over the past four years. The additions of Son #1 and Son #2, different jobs, different hobbies, different friends, different dreams, and a different economy. Whatever. You name it, it’s different these days.

One thing I find that is strangely consistent is the feeling of loss along the highway of life. It was four years ago when my best friend lost his mother, my wife lost her maternal guide, I lost the support of a brutally honest mother-in-law, the children of our family lost a grandmother, and a family lost a matriarch. It sent a shockwave through a family and sent it reeling. We’re only learning now how difficult it was to regain direction and focus.

My mother-in-law was a tough and tender woman marked by growth and maturity in many of life’s lessons. So many of them she imparted on her children and others. I have been very fortunate to have known her and witness first hand her dominant and unyielding strength. Sometimes she was just so tough on everyone. Including me. My wife often told me about her fear of her mother while growing up. One time (or many times depending on the side of the story) as an adolescent, she was afraid to go to the store because she felt her mother may use her absence as free time to kill her younger brother. Never happened, my brother-in-law is still with us. I personally have been the recipient of many slaps to the back of the head. If I can offer some advice here, never make an innocent comment about ‘how someone drives like your mother.’ My head still hurts after that slap.

But the strength was balanced by an angelic tenderness. She was a woman who would invite anyone into her home, feed them, clothe them, and lecture them on getting their shit straight. She had an air of peace (and fear) about her. A passion to take care of those around her. It was this innate desire to leave the world a better place than she found it. She was always making that extra effort to help and advise those she loved. She never mentioned it, and maybe she never even consciously knew it, but she always acted like there was one more good deed needing to be done, one more person she wanted to help, one more gift she wanted to buy, and one more hug she needed to give. My mother-in-law gave her heart to all, as long as you had her trust. She could sniff out a snake instantly. I would say that she was the best judge of character I have ever met.

If I could do the justice here within the context of this post, it would be delivering a passionate description of this amazing woman so that you too would know her like we know her. The toughness balanced with an unwavering tenderness. More importantly, she knew how to exercise one over the other and apply the appropriate degree of each. That is what made her unique and special. The perfection of balance. When my wife and best friend lost their mother, I didn’t know how I would have the strength to carry their hearts. I had just lost my brother and we had just given birth to Son #1. I was pretty confused and remember being difficult to live with. What she needed resonated with me on one particular day and I never looked back again. In our home, days after Son #1 was born, my wife was a mess of emotion and baby mama drama. As she looked at me standing in front her as she cried on her couch, I asked her what she wanted me to do. She looked up at me between the sniffles, snot bubbles, and tears and said she wanted to be with her family. And that was it. We packed the car and left. I realized at that point, no one should face the headlights alone. Together is the only way. I had dealt with the loss of my brother for a year trying to be a tough guy. My wife needed her family, her brother, and her mother. It was time to drive.

My memories aren’t perfect from those years. Grief paints an abstract picture in your head. I will say this in a grossly understated conclusion; it has been very hard over the years to not have her advice. I feel like my wife and I have had so many questions that have not been answered. As a mother, my wife has been navigating her life by the seat of her pants. She has done an absolutely amazing job. So often my wife was scared of her mother and adamant about not becoming her. Interestingly, she inherited that same toughness and tenderness. While trying to steer clear, she drove right into becoming everything her mother wanted her to be. I know my mother-in-law is proud of that. I get to see it in my wife’s face and actions.

It’s been four years. It hurts to know that Son #1 and Son #2 will only know their grandmother through stories and reflections we tell as we sit around the dinner table or get together at family reunions. I feel like we were all cheated with the loss. Are we on the right road now? I would say my wife and my best friend have navigated these murky waters quite safely. I know at times, things were rough. But today, looking forward while acknowledging the past, we find that we all carry a little bit of her with us. It was her last effort to leave the world better than she found it. She left her heart and ideals with us. My wife and best friend now hold these pillars of grace and strength.

It goes with out saying that I love both Son #1 and Son #2. However, they both have an innate ability to challenge the amount of patience that a mortal man has been born with. That being said, I have a much higher tolerance for my spawn and their unyielding ability to drive me to the brink of insanity than I do for those of the world who routinely attempt to provide unneeded parental advice based on their uneducated and ignorant opinions. Generally speaking, I’m sure they mean good by their ‘suggestions.’ But strangely, I just don’t care. Moving on. For some universally meta-physical reason, I seem to follow my positive posts with negative posts. So, in an effort to not disparage those individuals I find increasing resistance to, let’s switch gears and try to break the aforementioned cycle of posts.

One thing I’ve been thinking about recently is Son #1’s ability to spin a yarn, describe a situation with the utmost lack of brevity, remind a parent of a promise or a commitment no matter how irrelevant, throw a parent under the bus with the other parent, give people a talkin’ to, and flat out lie. The kid has the uncanny ability to take a brief statement about playing in the back yard with his friend ‘shadowy’ and turn it into an epic 30 minute dissertation on the struggle of good versus evil in the outer-worldly confines of our fenced backyard. With Son #1, it’s all about the entire context of an experience and he spares no expense in describing each and every detail no matter the minutia or relevance. The item I find most interesting in Son #1’s recollection of the past is just that; his ability to look back and describe the entire context to everyone.

I don’t have one specific example to demonstrate this phenomenon. The reason is that it happens so regularly it becomes ubiquitous in everyday conversation with Son #1. The boy is hilarious. As I mentioned, he can regurgitate the past with the most dramatic flare. How does he do it? I have determined there are three key attributes to Son #1’s storytelling candor.

First, the dramatic pause. Ah yes, the speech characteristic painstakingly perfected in execution by none other than the great William Shatner. Son #1 will just stop cold turkey when he is telling a story almost as if his head is plugged like an old toilet full of too much toilet paper from an obsessive ass wiper. You then get the ‘ums’ and ‘uhs’ and you just want to pull the story right out of his head. Is it strategic? Well, I would say not. But I do believe it is well timed in regard to his ability to capture your interest and reduce your patience. Just get the thought out of your head for God’s sake. Second, heightened vocalization and volume control. Son #1 will increase the meter and volume of his story with the unavoidable approach to the peak point of emphasis he is trying to make. You always know when you have reached that point. His voice rises and somehow warps the words into some sort of alien language that is only slightly discernable by the most trained ears. Occasionally, he will throw you off by throwing in a brooding growl of the climax instead of the typical high pitched banshee-like squeal. He isn’t too predictable in his usage of either method so you need to pay attention to catch the peak. He will be watching. The third attribute is the most important. It is the glue that holds all of the individual units of his story together. Son #1 has found a mastery in stringing together thoughts, phrases, stories, and concepts through the use of the word, ‘and.’ He has a surgical precision in its use and finds that he can efficiently place it throughout a story to link everything together. Try it for yourself the next time you are talking to a co-worker at the water cooler. I think you will be amazed at the looks you will receive. Better yet, try it in meetings with customers, that’s what I do. Punctuation is wasted bandwidth in Son #1’s stories, merely speed bumps on the way to conveying his points.

I’d speculate that the story is happening so fast in his head that he needs to throw something at it just to slow it down so he can get it out of his head and into yours. It’s good times albeit tiresome some days. I bring all of this up because he and I were at odds this weekend. It had nothing to do with the storytelling but mostly to do with his thick head. This last weekend he just didn’t want to any direction. It got to a point where I had to ask him in a not so polite fashion to stay the hell away from me. I need to work on my political correctness. Because we fought a bit, I am feeling a little reflective on one of his finer points. That’s his unedited creative storytelling. It’s good stuff. If I can get one of these classic Son #1 unscripted tall tales audibly recorded, I plan on posting it here.


He is a good kid. Saturday was tough on both of us at times but it is somewhat sickly disturbing that he is a clone of me. And while it is difficult to communicate at times and we could easily make each other’s lives hell, it is very refreshing to have his jovial free-wheeling stories to reduce your blood pressure and refocus your heart on how passionate and imaginative he is.