As the year winds down, I am fortunate enough to be able to spend an evening with each of my immediate family members independently. Son #2, Son #1, and my wife. Depending on the mood of any of the parties involved, including myself, the activities can be extremely strenuous on the fabric of your patience or pleasant and peaceful and quite rewarding.

The 29th of December, my wife took Son #1 to the Nutcracker. It was a special night for mother and son away from the diapers, wipes and bassinets of the house. What this meant is that Son #2 and I were alone together. For those of you scoring at home, Son #2 is about 3 weeks old which mean he does a total of three things. Sleep, shit, and nurse. I can handle two of the three. For a total of 60 minutes, Son #2 screamed. OK so maybe he does four things. This was not the typical fussing which would have been very welcome given what really happened. The screaming I experienced was that of a small 20 inch long banshee inflicting terror in an effort to voice his displeasure with his father and my lack of the organs required to satisfy his nursing needs. Son #2 pounded two bottles of breast milk and was looking for more. 60+ minutes later, he broke me down into giving him a third. Bless my wife for leaving 'supplies.' Son #2 likes the real thing more than the bottled equivalent. The next hour and a half was marked with several fits and what I could only determine as the 'stink eye' if he could focus on me visually. As the evening was winding down, Son #2 calmed and began studying me in a most inquisitive way. Maybe he approved of me not losing it with him and powering through my ‘mammarial’ deficiencies. Then again, maybe it was just his way of showing me that he can scream louder and then gloat about it. Either way, I love that kid for fighting the establishment, even if it was me at that point.

Son #1 missed me and said he would have stayed at the Nutracker if I was there. I was flattered he missed me so much. At bed time, I mentioned I had a surprise for him the following day. I proceeded to explain to him that I would need total commitment on behaving like a good child. Those of you who know Son #1 know that a request of this magnitude is like asking a state governor to not embezzle cash or sleep with a high priced hooker. Good luck. With good behavior, the 30th of December would be a day that I took Son #1 to see the Disney motion picture, Bolt. Son #1 nearly pulled the plug on today by not getting dressed when asked, not peeing on the toilet, and acting like a rabies infested rabid animal. Never underestimate the power of coercion. Get dressed, pee, and settle down or no movie and your toys will be sold to the gypsies. Problem solved. My wife and Son #2 had errands to run so Son #1 and I were on our own. We headed to the new theater in our area. I had researched a bit and found this theater was playing the 3D version. This meant cool-guy glasses which my son might be opposed to wearing. All though, the incentive was the short film, Tokyo Mater. Son #1 is a freak when it comes to all things 'Cars.' This short film was more than enough incentive to rock the cheesy Disney 3D optical enhancing devices. I found the movie entertaining and was significantly enhanced by the 3D viewing experience. Son #1 pounded the popcorn, sat still in the theater, and enjoyed the film with his dad. On the way out, he grabbed my hand and skipped to the car. All the way, he talked about Bolt and his friends. Unsolicited, he explained to me that the glasses made Bolt 'come out of the TV at him.' He also explained that when he could, he would like to get the Bolt video game and movie if he was a 'good boy.' But lastly, he looked up at me and told me he liked going to the Bolt movie with me. I melted.

Tomorrow is New Year's Eve. A green light to drink extreme amounts of alcohol and rid your self of all of the stupid things you did in the previous year and make promises to not do those in the new year. At least that's what I do. My wife and I have arrangements for my parents to watch Son #1 and #2 while we hit the bar scene to watch my brother-in-law's band. So tomorrow is an adult evening for just my wife and me. We haven't planned much of anything. I know when the show started and where I am taking the boys. But other than those two waypoints, I got nothing. Seeing my brother-in-law's band will be great. Their shows are high energy and they are pretty talented. Moreover, I get a tough time for helping them with their marketing needs and then never showing up to shows. I have a high absentee rate as well as an excuse list a mile long. For my wife and I, it will be a needed break from the house arrest of kids, weather, and the holidays. With the addition of Son #2, we all ready feel the new level of responsibility. This break for a 'night out' will help us reclaim a little immaturity even for only a handful of hours.

Writing now presents to problem with summarizing my last activity with a family member. Unfortunately, I have no intention on writing tomorrow night for a final blog entry for the year. Wrapping up the year with my wife, even with out a plan, is the stamp of approval for me on a year of great ups and downs.

I once said that I like Christmas. As far as holidays go, it is all right with me. Generally, I despise holidays where I feel some sort of coercion to buy a card at Hallmark. But Christmas is cool with me. For now.

The house feels like the holidays. We have finally started putting a dent in the presents we need to wrap, decorations are everywhere, my wife is currently fabricating sugar cookies, and in the refrigerator are two tons of gingerbread ripening for my traditional creation of a holiday masterpiece. But the one thing on my mind which is causing the holiday season to tread dreadfully close to my edge of impatience and tolerance for Hallmark holidays is the snow.

Yes. I enjoy snowboarding and drunk sledding. But, my tolerance for snow in the urban setting is quite low. As a matter of fact, it's zero. It brings out the idiots in their cars and trucks. With the new addition to our family, son #2, I have been lucky enough to work from home this last week thus avoiding the latest weather pattern. Good thing too as the snow began to fall steadily about a week ago. Occasionally, I have gone out to search out sustenance and supplies. Today was one of those days. Because I worked from home today, I went to the store around 1pm. What I should have realized is that the people who have the ability to drive in the snow and ice were most likely at work during this period and not on the road. Those who were on the road during my journey were those with less skill on the snow and ice than a stampeding angry African rhino. So the drive to and from the store was exciting.

I am sure that I scared some of these 'skilled' travelers with my drifting around corners and snow rooster tails. Ironically, maybe I am one of those guys who you hate to have drive through your neighborhood when the kids are out sledding. Seriously, I was well within the controls of my auto as I do know both mine and the vehicle's limits. Besides, son #1 was in the car and I would not hurt him, even though his incessant questions and lack of shopping speed drove me nuts.

Son #1 is a great kid. He just asks tons of questions in repetition. I know he is a little stir crazy. School was cancelled these last few days and we really haven't done much of anything to let him blow off steam. After arriving home from our shocking journey to the store, I decided to throw him outside and let him play in the some 10" of snow in the yard. I joined the him and we decided that would build a snowman. One thing to note is that in my house, we don't follow the rules. We build big snowmen with mohawks, bad attitudes, earrings and that drink beer. So son #1 and I set out to build our punk rock snowman. I had him start rolling the snow balls. The snow was wet enough to pack pretty well and soon enough I had to roll the balls for him.


It was a great time putting this bad ass together. It was equally fun to watch people’s looks as they passed by when we put the arms on and added a bottle of beer. Next was the mohawk. I would have made it a little taller but son #1 was getting board and needed a few snow balls thrown at him. I took care of this need as any good father would and satisfied the desires of my oldest child. He asked for it so I delivered. Throughout the snowman building process, son #1 was obsessed with a damn carrot nose. Over and over, 'we need a carrot nose.' So I obliged him. We added rocks as eyes to keep it authentic.


Ultimately, it was a great experience building a punk rock snowman with son #1. We were rude to other neighbors, threw snowballs at each other, made snow angels (I am spiritual), and built a pretty sick snowman. Of course, to keep things honest, my wife had to ask me if there was ‘anything that she should be aware of that might offend people’ out there. I will never tell. Son #1 and I made the best out of a cold situation and ridding our feeling of house arrest. And to think, we are going to build a snow fort tomorrow. Maybe we can throw some snowballs at cars too.

The recent addition to our family has me somewhat introspective as of late. Of course, being snowed in helps a bit. You get the opportunity to think and get a little stir crazy. The last few days I have had the chance to work virtually at home due to the weather. Being home during a work day poses several problems. One, you don't focus on any task for more than a minute because you get distracted by Lego Racecar games and potty breaks. Two, being at home generally means you are ‘not working’ to those who are around you. Based on the first item, I can see how easy it is to think I am not working. (Then again, maybe it is the loud punk music playing in my office that gives that impression). The third problem is that you worry your peers think you are screwing around which does wonders for the respect factor around the office. Oh well.

That being said, there is a little piece of mind being at home with your family on a work day and being snowed in. You get to participate and experience the processes of the day. First, wake up and pee in the toilet. Breakfast is next and 'I don't want hot chocolate and a muffin. I want hot chocolate muffins.' Then a show, then another show or screaming. Then lunch, monkey soup is the request. What the hell? Then 'I miss my friends,' followed by 'I don't want to take a nap.' This is just the oldest boy. The newborn eats and sleeps at the oddest of hours. It must be nice to be driven by pure impulse and only the satiation of what you need in that moment. Don't get me wrong, this is a great opportunity that I wouldn't miss. It's just that the oldest son keeps coming into the office, looking at the same pictures on the same desk, asking the same questions. Well, at least I know where the question is coming from.

My oldest son is pretty funny. He makes a song out of everything, singing a tune even when he is peeing. While it is annoying when you want him to bring it back a notch, it is great to see him so inspired by music. Those who know me know the importance of music in my life. I have never been able to do anything without some inspirational piece of music playing. I have always been a band nerd. Music and visual art are two things that have provided solace at times when I have been at odds with the struggles of life. While I have searched for perspective, I have always found comfort in music and art. My family is a major anchor in life. But if I had to pick something a little more nebulous in design, it would be music that anchors my soul.

One thing that is eternally difficult to explain is the feeling that music gives you. I find so much comfort in being embraced by the auditory pleasure of the perfect piece of music at the perfect time in life. It is about connecting to something bigger and not feeling so alone. Most people have so much hubris and will not admit to it, but we all feel alone and lost. Here, I am going to attempt to explain a feeling. There is that feeling, something immense that feels like you are at the cusp of something important but you do not know what it is. And may never know. I love listening to records for the first time that drop this on you. They do not come that often though but seem to come at just the appropriate time in life. There is that moment while listening to the music, the lyrics, the progressions, the meter that it just clicks and connects within. It is at that small wrinkled moment in time that you feel completely weak and naked to every feeling in the universe. You are exposed yet protected, hurt yet healed, lost yet led forward. The music is your spiritual path through life.

I had a moment like this a few weeks ago. I wanted to write about it but let it really sink in so I could compose its magnitude here. In a previous post, I mentioned my wife's Christmas decorations. She has millions but I find comfort in it. I was moving boxes of shit around in the garage out of monotony when a song began to play. The whole record was great. It was interesting to listen to, entertaining, and challenging at points. The final song of the album was called 'Free.' This song was not about the latest deal you could get at Wal-Mart during our harsh economic climate. It was about finding that direction we all look for. Standing there in the garage on a cold November morning with a beer in hand, I lost control. I broke down. The song was what I was feeling. I have been so hurried in life to get to my next chapter, my next page, that I lost a little focus. The music, the garage, the beer, and my wife's decorations were it. I was there, in the middle of story book pages so well scripted that I had been hurrying to get to with urgency. At that moment, I felt like there were others out there feeling exactly what I was feeling. I was not alone. I was connected to others who struggle to grow and shed their hang-ups while maintaining that soulful identity.

I love the feeling that comes from connecting to life-changing music like this. That moment becomes a waypoint in your life that can help you navigate forever. That first listen to a piece of music this powerful is almost indescribable. Smiles and tears. Amazing. On the risk of sounding corny like a Hallmark card, my Christmas wish is for others to have that chance to hear a piece of music this holiday season that changes the course of their lives. I have added the song to the playlist on this blog for others to hear. It is called ‘Free’ by Street Dogs. I don't expect others to get what I got out of it. You shouldn't. We all feel a little something different. But music is very comforting. I can't imagine not having this joy. Now my oldest son and I share this. That is more than a little piece of mind.

One thing I have never been able to understand, or even control, is my innate ability to be an ass. While it works to my benefit in social situations where I distinctly do not care about what other people think of me and may be trying to sabotage, it tends to backfire when I am spending time with family and want our time to last forever. When the latter of these two scenarios happens, I get fairly overwhelmed with guilt and regret. It is completely unfair to those I love to act this way.

Today was one of those days that seem to eternally haunt me. It started out quite productive by working in the new-son-to-be's room. I had hoped to get the space completed before his birth. Unfortunately, it has been an uphill battle with painting, molding, and decorating. However, I reached a satisfactory level of completeness where I could pick up later. Why I am explaining this will make total sense later, trust me. Back to the story, I moved on, had some breakfast, and waited for my brother in law to arrive.

My brother in law and I took off to the local professional football game. As a season ticket holder, I generally find a lot of joy in watching these matches. I feel like I have some vested interest or ownership in the team. This year has been no different, but the team has been less than competitive. Lately, I have felt like I am paying for some sort of faulty, half-ass product with an expired warranty being put on the field. So I pretty much get pissed off while I am watching. This is not good for anyone around me. I am an ass. We have some people who sit near us that we generally are friends with. Today, I was decent to them. Why? The team was competitive and my mood upbeat. A week ago, this was not the case. The team was losing, the people around us were dirt bag drunk, and I wanted to punch some of them in the mouth. Needless to say, I was much better this week. Hooray for me in acknowledging my ass-like behavior.

The team still lost. Whatever. It's been like that all season. So we headed home. My parents were waiting at my house for me to get home. My father and I were going to work a little more in my new son's room. I came home with a fairly decent attitude (non-ass-like). But that changed. In an instant, I just seem to lose focus and get bitchy about nearly everything. Approach me about a topic I do not want to discuss and immediately I shut down or respond rudely. It is completely unacceptable to behave this way toward the people I love. It happens and I can not seem to run a preemptive strike on it. Then I am coldly reminded by the guilt and regret I feel later after my loved ones leave.

We worked on the projects in my son's room. Things went relatively well considering I had absolutely no idea what I was doing and have an unreasonably high sense of perfection. As a side note, I would warn against EVER working on a project with me because of this. My father is a trooper though. We pounded through this and despite my feelings of imperfection, lost temper, and complete disregard for the level of skill the project required. It turned out well even though I cussed like a sailor along the way. I get frustrated and ultimately the world becomes my toilet bowl. Tonight was no different. My parents understand me but this does not give me the green light to act like an ass. I know that they find a lot of fulfillment in helping around our house and I am very appreciative. But I get fairly upset when projects do not come together or plans do not work out the way I had envisioned. My parents headed home hours ago and I am feeling completely guilty for not being pleasant. I am a dirt bag when I am in a bad mood. This routinely happens and you would think I would have some control over it. Nope.

I hope that I can work on this moving forward. My emotions have been complicated for a few years now, especially when it comes to family. I am an ass. They do not deserve this. Many times I have crawled back with my tail between my legs apologizing. They are very accepting of my attitude. I am fortunate. I know that I make things out worse than they really are. But I must be aware of this issue I have. I can't keep saying well there is always next time. I need to be on top of it now. I love my family. It is all I have.