It’s long been said that girls who hang out together can get ‘in phase’ with their monthly visitor.  And while the discussion of bodily functions isn’t necessarily the most appropriate of blog entries, I've developed a theory onthe aforementioned ‘in-phase’ phenomenon.  But by contrast, this involves the opposite gender, specifically 9 and 10 year old boys.

Son #1 has odd bathroom habits.  And coincidentally, so do his friends.

A typical weekend in my house involves Son #1, his friends, and Minecraft.  If you’re not familiar with the pre-teen boy interest of Minecraft, consider yourself one of the luckiest OR one of the blissfully oblivious people on the face of the Earth.  Minecraft is a video game.  An annoying video game.  But it’s an obsession of my children and their friends.  Our weekly routine consists of sleepovers, pizza, hours of Minecraft, and now…….bowel movements.

Let me break this down for you.  These kids are up at 6:38AM wanting play this damn videogame.  They come marching into our room like a pack of rhinos.  Three nine year old boys aren’t quiet.  Let me just say that at this time of year, it’s O-dark-30.  Despite being in a delusional sleep state, my wife has enough sense about her to realize the darkness along with the request and sidetracks the delinquents for the moment.  She tells them to go watch TV for an hour.  Now while this seems like swapping one screen for another, it’s a fair strategy to remove the noise factor from a videogame which breeds bickering and whining.  Needless to say, the three of them posted up in our bonus room watching an infomercial selling a get-in-shape DVD.

An hour passes, they’ve served their hour sentence of TV and now it’s on to the videogame.  Since there are three of them, we make them alternate and take turns.  15 minute intervals are mandatory for the game in our house.  But none of this matters.  What matters is the frequency of departures from the game for bowel movements.

The game started with Son #1 and Friend #1 taking the first round on Minecraft.  Friend #2 gets bored and starts grazing through the pantry looking for sustenance.  Forget respect for others people’s property, these kids make themselves at home and are hungry.  Fortunately in this regard, my wife out-maneuvered these kids’ appetites.  The night before this particular screen filled morning she baked a least a dozen muffins for their grazing.  The boys were instructed to refrain from raiding the pantry and to only eat the muffins.  She was mostly successful in this directive.  Only a few granola bars were consumed.  Unlike the week before where the three boys devoured a box and a half of them.

And now the ‘Parade of Poop’ begins.  After the first game rotation, Friend #1 was free to relieve himself.  Off he marched to the bathroom.  How do I know the business that was being tended to?  I was in the neighboring office as the pending crime against my toilet was being committed.  I heard the steps into the bathroom, the door close, and the fan get switched on.  Besides no boy stays in the bathroom that long to pee.  As a dude, you’re only in the bathroom for that length of time for one of two things.  Confirmation was made after I walked by the bathroom and the aroma a freshly dumped turd was wafting through the air.

A few rotations passed and then Friend #2 took his shot.  Similar actions transpired leading up to the crime.  Similar results and conclusions were drawn by me.

They say third time’s a charm.  Not to be outdone by his friends, Son #1 then took his shot.  As his friends were being picked up by their parental unit, Son #1 made his contribution to the sewer system of the neighborhood.  He disappeared for bit only to shout out a ‘goodbye’ from his porcelain throne.  But unlike either of his two friends, Son #1 proceeded to complicate plumbing matters with the granite-like density of his toiletry deposit.  Looks like another job for me, the resident plumber.

Anyway, all of my observations that morning got me thinking and I came up with three very distinct realities.  First, the plumbing in my house is getting a serious workout from these pre-teen poop-o-potamuses.  I seriously wonder if the water company has alerts or surveys customers for increased and possibly ‘alarming’ usage (like Big Brother is watching type of alarm).  Water use agents may be dispatched to my residence for the crimes against the sewer system.  Second, I have financial advice for all of my readers, family and friends; Charmin stock value is going to be rising so get in now while shares are low.  Earn your millions from these kids.  Wait.  Buy Target stock instead.  My wife buys Target-brand butt wipes.  And third, there MUST be a correlation between pre-teen boys who hang out together frequently, Minecraft videogame, and bowel movements.

My conclusion is pretty simple:  Much like a group of girls and their aligned monthly visitor, boys in a common friendship groups have aligning ‘phases’ of bowel movements.  And to further this conclusion, I believe that Minecraft relaxes the colon.  I plan on writing to a medical journal about my study to see if I can get published.  As an aside, I think there’s a ‘halo’ effect as well.  Both Son #2 and I got in on the business but we weren’t playing the game, just aware that it was being played.  That will be the second edition of my entry into a medical journal.

UPDATE:  I picked up Son #1 and his two friends up from school today.  First thing when arriving at the home front was firing up some Minecraft.  And like clockwork, a parade of poop!