A lifetime of changes has occurred over the past four years. The additions of Son #1 and Son #2, different jobs, different hobbies, different friends, different dreams, and a different economy. Whatever. You name it, it’s different these days.

One thing I find that is strangely consistent is the feeling of loss along the highway of life. It was four years ago when my best friend lost his mother, my wife lost her maternal guide, I lost the support of a brutally honest mother-in-law, the children of our family lost a grandmother, and a family lost a matriarch. It sent a shockwave through a family and sent it reeling. We’re only learning now how difficult it was to regain direction and focus.

My mother-in-law was a tough and tender woman marked by growth and maturity in many of life’s lessons. So many of them she imparted on her children and others. I have been very fortunate to have known her and witness first hand her dominant and unyielding strength. Sometimes she was just so tough on everyone. Including me. My wife often told me about her fear of her mother while growing up. One time (or many times depending on the side of the story) as an adolescent, she was afraid to go to the store because she felt her mother may use her absence as free time to kill her younger brother. Never happened, my brother-in-law is still with us. I personally have been the recipient of many slaps to the back of the head. If I can offer some advice here, never make an innocent comment about ‘how someone drives like your mother.’ My head still hurts after that slap.

But the strength was balanced by an angelic tenderness. She was a woman who would invite anyone into her home, feed them, clothe them, and lecture them on getting their shit straight. She had an air of peace (and fear) about her. A passion to take care of those around her. It was this innate desire to leave the world a better place than she found it. She was always making that extra effort to help and advise those she loved. She never mentioned it, and maybe she never even consciously knew it, but she always acted like there was one more good deed needing to be done, one more person she wanted to help, one more gift she wanted to buy, and one more hug she needed to give. My mother-in-law gave her heart to all, as long as you had her trust. She could sniff out a snake instantly. I would say that she was the best judge of character I have ever met.

If I could do the justice here within the context of this post, it would be delivering a passionate description of this amazing woman so that you too would know her like we know her. The toughness balanced with an unwavering tenderness. More importantly, she knew how to exercise one over the other and apply the appropriate degree of each. That is what made her unique and special. The perfection of balance. When my wife and best friend lost their mother, I didn’t know how I would have the strength to carry their hearts. I had just lost my brother and we had just given birth to Son #1. I was pretty confused and remember being difficult to live with. What she needed resonated with me on one particular day and I never looked back again. In our home, days after Son #1 was born, my wife was a mess of emotion and baby mama drama. As she looked at me standing in front her as she cried on her couch, I asked her what she wanted me to do. She looked up at me between the sniffles, snot bubbles, and tears and said she wanted to be with her family. And that was it. We packed the car and left. I realized at that point, no one should face the headlights alone. Together is the only way. I had dealt with the loss of my brother for a year trying to be a tough guy. My wife needed her family, her brother, and her mother. It was time to drive.

My memories aren’t perfect from those years. Grief paints an abstract picture in your head. I will say this in a grossly understated conclusion; it has been very hard over the years to not have her advice. I feel like my wife and I have had so many questions that have not been answered. As a mother, my wife has been navigating her life by the seat of her pants. She has done an absolutely amazing job. So often my wife was scared of her mother and adamant about not becoming her. Interestingly, she inherited that same toughness and tenderness. While trying to steer clear, she drove right into becoming everything her mother wanted her to be. I know my mother-in-law is proud of that. I get to see it in my wife’s face and actions.

It’s been four years. It hurts to know that Son #1 and Son #2 will only know their grandmother through stories and reflections we tell as we sit around the dinner table or get together at family reunions. I feel like we were all cheated with the loss. Are we on the right road now? I would say my wife and my best friend have navigated these murky waters quite safely. I know at times, things were rough. But today, looking forward while acknowledging the past, we find that we all carry a little bit of her with us. It was her last effort to leave the world better than she found it. She left her heart and ideals with us. My wife and best friend now hold these pillars of grace and strength.