As I’ve grown older, I’ve become a little predictable in my behavior and decision making. However, I’d say my emotional instability is still very volatile. But one thing that has remained innately consistent is the loneliness I feel from time to time. It exists as a numbing agent but the degree of its inflammation varies from minute to minute. It’s been six years. And they say, with time, all will be healed. Wrong. You don’t heal, you don’t mend, you don’t accept. You tolerate. You tolerate the pain and the heartache. You tolerate the fact that you can’t change the inevitability of the loneliness after the loss. It’s an impairment that no physical or emotional therapy can remove or subdue.

“Here I am alone, broken by my ghosts. Will they always haunt me when I’m drowning?”

You can’t help but wonder “why?” even after six years. It’s definitely easier to ignore the loneliness rather than tolerate it. Unfortunately, the memories stoke the embers of loneliness into a full blow blaze on days like this. While six years in the physicality of our world is not the ruler of measurement where he is at, I’m governed by its structure and measure the days I miss him, weigh the gravity of the loss, and count the moments where I wish he was here.

But the memories are good. I have the memories and the pictures. Some days, I can convince myself through business that there is no loneliness. I can forget it for a short time. But I can’t, and won’t, forget the memories. So I guess after six years, and maybe even after a lifetime, you play the memories like an old slide show in your mind. And just like an old slide show, there is graininess to the quality of its projection. The visions aren’t perfect, they aren’t totally clear. They’re slightly discolored after the years. But the one thing that weathers the fading and the pale colors is the feeling of the moment. For some reason, the memories of the feelings are crystal clear.


It’s really the simple, obscure memories during the slide show that choke you up and make you want to pluck that person right off the screen. I can remember when we took cardboard boxes and taped colored construction paper to the sides. We used electrical tape to segment the colors on each side. The result? Rubik’s Cube costumes for Halloween. Also, there were two trees in my parents’ front yard. One his and one mine. With sheets and clothes pins, we built forts in each tree. And then there is Mossyrock, Washington and camping with our grandparents. I don’t know how many times I had him pedal his little bike behind me to find the next skate spot. Then, he’d sit by and take pictures of me practicing tricks on private property. Years later, I remember picking him up from junior high. We’d head back to our house and play pick up basketball against the neighborhood. Most of the memories involved very little dialogue. In fact, he said very little to me in regard to popular opinion. But it was so obvious to me when I damaged our relationship. He absolutely hated a chick I was dating at one point. He never said anything about it, but it was just so uncomfortable in the room. Not much for public speaking or the lime light, it was a step out of his comfort zone to be the best man in my wedding. The toast, while the context is blurry, the vision of him controlling the audience as he talked is strong. Seeing him, I had so much satisfaction that day. While simple and irrelevant, I can still see the vision of my little brother shoving a guy back into the mosh pit at a concert we attended. That memory is the last one I have where we were in the same place together while he was still alive. The last. But I knew I didn’t have to fight his battles or protect him from the world. At that moment, I knew he’d be all right. No matter what. While others don’t have the pale slides of memories or have forgotten him, I’ve remembered. And every time you cry, you are reminded that you are alive and you miss them so much.


“This is a request; crawl out from graves of regret. This is a request; don’t waste your time tonight.”

The other day, I was listing to the typical return-home-commute programming, Jason Ellis. Interestingly, his tone was incredibly somber. He was discussing his family and its collapse after his little brother died years ago. His rough Australian tone and rugged vocabulary started to crack. I couldn’t help to begin to relate to what he had to say. Not so much in the collapse of the family structure, all though you could feel the tension between us all. Communication was very strange, almost like I wasn’t even their child anymore. It’s tough to say how it got there. Maybe it was because I was an adult now and my relationship with my parents had become more peer-like. With the loss of my little brother, I so wanted to go back to being their little boy, sheltered from the pot holes of life. Now, I was now an only child. Something I had never been before.

I really related to the bludgeoning effect of the personal loss Ellis had. The pain and heartache after the loss were real. He talked about his other brother, his father and his mother and how it affected them each individually from his own unique perspective. But what I found the most poignant is how he looked at himself after the loss. The main point was that he believed his brother would have wanted him to be happy and successful. We all talk this concept when we lose someone valuable in our life. Of course our loved ones would want us to move on and be happy. But it’s far easier to write those lines here in text than to actually live out those words.

He continued on that it’s not disrespectful to be happier now than you’ve ever been in your life after someone has passed. He spoke about his professional successes, his sobriety, and more importantly, his love for his wife and his little girl. He’s tolerated the loss in a rough-Outback-like way. And while the articulation of this feeling was profanity-laced with an Aussie accent, he conceded that he’s in pain with the loss but knows deeply that it has changed him in to something stronger and happier. His brother wanted these changes for him. The lost want that for you. They don’t want you to regret and stand still. They want you to push harder and succeed more and be happier.

The affect of the broadcast is something that cannot be perfectly explained in this context but it’s about living life with no sense of regret because your lost loved ones want that for you. It’s not disrespectful to be happy in your life despite them not being physically present other than in a picture. It stops here, he said. Today is the day where you take charge and make yourself happy and won’t live in the heartache. He wants me to move forward and succeed and create something beautiful for me and my family.

Once again it’s time for the monthly installment of “New Music Monday.” January had a mass influx of new and diverse music into our catalog. Some of the additions were rediscoveries and some were new releases by definition. I think at the time of writing this entry, we’ve added a total of nine albums to our catalog. While that marks the biggest growth in the history of our catalog, there was an odds on favorite to be reviewed here. Again, the story is the same, unbeknownst to me; one of my favorite musicians was releasing a new album. It had once been said that if I was granted a fall from grace against my wife, it would be with this artist. This was by my wife’s own admission as well, mind you. And today is this artist's birthday!


As you may have predicted based on the above, or not, if you nothing of my obsessions, Alicia Keys released her new record “The Element of Freedom.” Thank Jebus I watch the horrible comedy of SNL as she was a recent musical guest. Unless you are peddling a new movie or album, or are a washed up basketball star, you don’t get to enjoy attendance on SNL. After her appearance, my immediate presence was felt on Lala.com as usual for procurement. Unlike other albums, I will pick up the ‘hard’ album too.

Get it here at Lala.com
http://www.lala.com/#album/504684635190067450/Alicia_Keys/The_Element_Of_Freedom

After the first listen of “The Element of Freedom” I wasn’t disappointed. Vintage soul with a bend toward the more contemporary R&B of a new generation. This is not your cookie cutter, radio friendly urban R&B like Rhianna and the like. There’s a tune or two which could easily translate to the radio. However, the beauty in the music is its mood altering ability in your aural sobriety. Get it? It’s mellow, inspirational, uplifting, introspective, and whoopee making music. However, in a vain more like the popular contemporaries, on this record there is more experimentation on the reproduction of Alicia’s voice. Traditionally, a woman with her lungs didn’t need help. But I get the feeling that with a few of the songs, the production engineers are trying to appeal to the new radio generation of soul listeners. What makes Alicia great is her full, low-register singing. Don’t need production effects for that.

While “The Element of Freedom” is a little more exploratory from the production side, it’s not a let down and can stand proudly next to her other records. Since I was introduced to Alicia Keys’s version of soul in 2000, I‘ve never been disappointed. Here are a few songs from this album:

Distance and Time – This is the prototypical Alicia Keys tune and that is not a bad thing. A driven urban beat, elegant pianos accompaniment, and soaring lyricism. The topic of love over distance is obvious and clichéd. But Alicia makes it hers and you feel the desperation in her voice. It’s convincing. During my first listen to this song, I caught myself lost in the depth of a photo of my wife and me. The song has the ability to ‘work’ and takes you right to your core feelings about your partner.

Wait Til They See My Smile – This is my favorite song on the record. The urgency of the piano makes your blood pump. The synth is interestingly used in this song and is very appropriate. It has an Information Society-type appeal. Musically, it escalates with each verse sung by Ms. Keys. And speaking of the verses, the lyrics of this song present an unrelenting desire to succeed no matter the obstructions or obstacles in your path. There are times in your life where a song makes a difference. This one has it.

Empire State of Mind (Part II) – This is a rendition of a track she joined on with Jay-Z. This version is much more of a classic soul version and shows the entire vocal range of Ms. Keys. When she hits the high register, the hair on the back of your neck stands. This song is incredibly visual in regards to her description of the big city. But moreover, you feel as a product of the big city, she is grateful of her beginnings and it has been intrinsically inspiring.

The one element consistent in all Alicia Keys albums, including “The Element of Freedom,” is the slow buildup in the songs as well as the album. There is no “BAM, I’M UP IN YOUR FACE!” The slow reveal and burn through out the album add to the experience. That’s what makes her blow (literally) by her contemporaries. But she also experiments with a new blend in the music. The production brings in more synthesized stylings in percussion a la Prince. It works well in concert with her soaring vocals and gospel-like piano playing.



Overall, I like how the album comes together. Alicia doesn’t let you down using what makes her great, grace and soul, yet remaining real and humble. She adds a slight wrinkle to the production with auto-tune and synths on a handful of tracks while not defeating her expertise. I had the opportunity to meet and casually chat about music with her once. Her grace, creativity, and compassion were very clear to me during our conversation. Clearly one of the best. Ever.