Ahh, the beginning of a new year. That, usually is marked by the end of another year and artificially creates a justifiable reason to coordinate an event in the over excess of party poppers and cosmopolitans. Yes. The New Year’s Eve party. We had our own party which was absent of three foot tall tax deductions and infused with the aforementioned party poppers, a Motley Crue approved selection of adult beverages, and a camera to capture all of the inappropriateness and party-goers.

Because 2009 sucked and I was eager to see it booted out of the picture like a sleazy overweight politician getting kicked out of office after sexing an Argentine temptress. I’m hoping 2010 brings better tidings than 2009. In my schoolgirl giddiness leading up to our New Year’s Eve party, I concocted an idea to motivate my self and others to join in the festivities. The idea was to come up with a twisted 12 Step process to ring in the New Year. The fun was making it up as I went along. Strategically thinking what should be ‘classified’ as a step and what should not. Also, what ‘could’ be a step but shouldn’t because it may be offensive.


So here is my 12 Step list with a brief explanation of each step which I marched through on New Year’s Eve and posted step by step on Facebook for others to follow. As a disclaimer, each step was developed on the fly throughout the day.


‘The 'Betty Ford 12 Steps of Ending 2009 and Starting 2010.'

Step 1: Finding Nemo fruit chews, locate and eat them for breakfast.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Finding Nemo fruit chews are made from the joys of real fruit. How is this not part of the fruit group?

Step 2: Mud, find it and make sure you have enough on your rear derailleur that it won't shift.
The weather in 2009 sucked. Finally, I had the opportunity to get out of the house and jump my bike. The conditions were muddy-frosty-muck madness. It’s a metaphor for just getting out and living.

Step 3: Locate yourself some chocolaty crunchy balls and eat them for lunch.
See Step 1. Chocolate comes from a bean, a legume and is part of the Meat and Beans group in the food pyramid. The malted crunchy goodness is a byproduct of the Dairy group. Two for one right here in one small tasty item.

Step 4: Drop your tax deductions off at the babysitter (grandparents). If you don't have children, envy your friends with them for their tax deductions or mock them for always being broke ass.
A ‘friend’ of my wife seems to think that children are resource sapping draws on the economy and those without children are penalized for not procreating because they do not receive the same economic tax benefits of those with children. Screw that. I have kids and I am broke. People without kids are generally not broke. Save the drama for your mama.

Step 5: In the essence of socially appreciative actions, apologize in advance for drunken dialing/texting. While it is New Years, it's not always appropriate to drunk text your best friend's sister. Wait...yes it is.
This always happens. Alcohol + Libido = Inappropriate actions. Do a pre-emptive strike and apologize early for going past the point of good taste and dangerously close to a 1-976 hotline.

Step 6: Beanie weenies
See Steps 1 and 3. The finest of meat in all of the land. What kind of party doesn’t have beanie weenies? That’s a party I won’t attend.

Step 7: Locate a form of entertainment which condones the act of alcohol and energy drink consumption. Thanks Red Bull No Limit for my extreme excitement in jumping over the LBC and my drunken over stimulated screaming.
Parties can have wonderful conversations. See Step 5 above. However, having a television event which lubricates the discussions about the size of manhood it would take to jump a rally car over a harbor always enhances the party. Additionally, the sponsor’s energy drink works well in vodka.

Step 8: Always invite friends that are medical professionals to your New Years Eve party so they can bring their IV bags to properly rehydrate your drunken guests.
I don’t think this requires much explanation. Medical professionals in attendance can help prevent hangovers by intravenously delivering liquids.

Step 9: Always use proper glassware when serving your specialties.
See the picture on Facebook. Better yet. Don’t see it. Step 9 is a double entendre.

Step 10: Use your best French accent and toast your champagne at midnight.
None of us could muster up a French accent after THAT volume of consumption. It was much easier to use a Scottish accent. However, to be truly accurate, please masquerade as a French frog and pretentiously toast to the New Year.

Step 11: Done. Pass out.
Sleep.

Step 12: After all of the inappropriate photos are downloaded and the last suggestive actions and texts are out of your system and phone, enjoy the beginning of a new year. Rinse. Repeat.
Following the previous 11 steps will land you right here on Step 12, the proper starting point for a successful new year.


My 12 Step process for bringing the ruckus and celebrating the New Year’s arrival. Betty Ford tested Betty Ford approved. Happy New Year to all!