It shouldn’t take the holidays to get introspective.  But unfortunately, we all get so rutted in our everyday rat race that we often forget to hit the brakes and just breathe in everything that’s around us.  We’re just so focused on the next moment of our lives and in such a rush to get there that we’ve lost track of the joy in the journey.  For once this week, forget about rushing to your next moment and breathe in.

We spend every day saying, ‘I can’t wait until the weekend.’  We spend the evenings with our children working on their homework saying, ‘I can’t wait until summer break.’  It’s always ‘I can’t wait until’ something. Everything is such a rush.  I’m no different.

Every winter I look forward to the two weeks off I have around Christmas time.  This year, I had customers in town taking delivery of aircraft until December 23 at 10PM.  Right up until the very end.  I was bummed.  I didn’t get to take my time off.  Every day I rushed and hurried through every action, every interaction, and every conversation.  Hurry….let’s get to the winter break.  Don’t get caught up in the journey, just get to the destination.  Hurry.

So here I am.  Now what?  I’m made it to my break.  Now what?  What can I rush toward now?

To get me off this speeding railway of life, I did one thing, albeit very inadvertently. I listened.  I was stuck in traffic and there was no way I could rush.  I was stopped and the music on the stereo had my attention.

Anyone who knows anything about me knows one specific thing about me; I love music.  It’s incredibly important to me.  The right music marks waypoints in your life.  And similarly it can provide a soundtrack to your life.  I’ve always thought the sense of hearing was just as strong as the sense of smell.  Hearing the right piece of music at the precise moment in your life can change everything for you and you’ll ALWAYS remember that moment.  You can look back through my entries here and you’ll see evidence of it weaving through everything from the soundtracks of the entries, to the design, to the topics, and right down to the titles of my entries.  But this time of year I was ignoring what the music around me was telling me.

To be fair, this time of year I easily get into a funk.  I’m usually sick with some sort of elusive and undiagnosed virus from the petri dish of a home which I live due to the kids being in public school.  But his year was different.  I was sick the week before Christmas. So I got that going for me.

Enough of that whining; back to the music.  If you recall, I was stuck in traffic and my stereo had my attention.

Unbeknownst to me, I was going to get throat punched by one of my favorite artists of all time.  No it’s not Adele.  Adele couldn’t hold this artist’s jock.  And no I’m not going to tell you who it is now.  It’s time to use the age-old slow burn of plot development.  I’d been in a hurry with everything.  Rushing and complaining through it all.  And now, I was stuck in an immobile grid lock of traffic on the valley freeway somewhere between Auburn and Pacific and IT happened.  I was grumbling about who cut me off and stressing about how, when, and what I was going to do for Christmas gifts.  Welcome to the 1^st world problems of my life.

Granted, it’s been more than this.  I’ve been dealing with the imminent effects of life moving forward.  I still struggle with being alone.  He’s gone, not here.  It’s over only a driver’s license and bent wheel remains.  She’s gone too.  Nothing more than a frozen paw print in plaster.  I’ve watched health erode in those closest to me and in my own body.  What is 100% anyway?  I’ve seen the superhero of my life slow to an above-average human in strength and will.  At home, I’ve worried about my relevance.  Now on an unfamiliar path of life, my self-awareness and image has been tarnished from what I once believed was invaluable.  The periphery of family has been on wearing on my heart too.  And then there is work; something I typically will not discuss on the internets.  My new role at work has been a humbling reality where I’ve discovered that I am no longer the center of the universe in terms of desired hired gun in our selling campaigns.  I’m now the QB of the team calling the plays in the big game rather than the third down receiver.  I suck at it right now.  It’s going to be a long journey to be a hall of famer in this position.  I’m not used to being average in my work.  Ultimately, my identity in my existence is changing with all of this change.

‘Live fast die young’ has changed to ‘Live with knee pain, a headache and bills while your kids play Minecraft.’

We all go through these changes and a metamorphosis in who we are to ourselves and others.  I just haven’t been doing well with who I am now becoming to me and others.  I’m fighting the system and not going gently into this.  Would you expect anything different?

But I was reminded on my drive home that you always have a friend and confidant in music.  It’s always there for you.  And strangely, it always knows what you need to hear when you need to hear it.  The drive home helped.  Hell, it resulted in me writing on this blog for the second time in two weeks.  Also, it inspired me to post my feelings about it on Facebook.  And you know me, I’m not a big fan of the ‘Whinebook.’  And to follow my own rules, I’ve uploaded it here for your listening pleasure.  It changed my life that day at that waypoint in my life.  The song was upbeat.  It was soulful.  It was driven.  And if cathartically choreographed, it had a message about how music can help you.  It grabbed my attention and once it had it, I heard what it had to say to me.  No misunderstanding here; it was called ‘Coming to You’ by Jill Scott and it was coming right at me. 

And I listened.

Then I felt better.  Then I listened to it again.  Then I listened at least another half dozen times and I felt even better.

And that’s my point here.  Just listen when music is playing.  It’s so important.  So cathartic.  So poignant.  Your soundtrack will carry you when you’re tired, lead you when you’re lost, inspire you when you’re withered, heal you when you’re hurt, and make you dance in the middle of a crowd of human lemmings.  Dance, sing, and feel it all.

Have you noticed something missing from the internet these last few months?  Something indescribable that’s left you feeling unfulfilled?  If you haven’t, you must be living in the Middle East in a tent out in the desert with no internet access.  Fool, I‘ve been off the blogging grid for six months.  No contempt for the system.  No middle finger toward the man.  No inspirational opined indoctrinations.  Now it’s time to make my foray back into the digital ecosystem of the blogosphere.

Two things kept me from my routine entries here.  Work and kids; which at times are one and the same.  This entry won’t be about work.  I have a new lease on life and I don’t talk about work online.  It’s bad for business until the business is done.  This entry is to remind people of my offspring and more specifically Son #2 and his blatant disregard for that which is the world.

The last year has been a rollercoaster ride. Son #2 has always been a handful since he popped out of the womb. But this last year has reminded us of the eternal challenges of parenting. Where do I start?

Son #2 always had a knack for establishing his will at a very early age. Let’s call it at -0.1 years old, he decided he was coming at a specific date and time and no quack was going to schedule his earthly entry. Should've known then. Then fast forward into his infant months. Would Son #2 take a bottle? No. It was a boob or nothing. Now the male readership can most likely sympathize with the lack of negotiation available when addressing such an obsession. Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free. And then he went straight to solid food.  No baby food. But not just any solid food; eggs and only eggs for months. Pizza eventually became the meal of choice for about a week or two.  Now he won't eat pizza, only breadsticks.  But this entry isn't about his eating habits; it’s about our journey as a family to help him through his challenges.

This last year has been eye opening when it came to balancing work and life while evaluating the right thing to do for Son #2. A few years back, we noticed something odd about how he reacted to noise and crowds and other stimuli. He also had unique sensory reactions to things. We sought a close friend’s advice. After all, she knew us pretty well and had been Son #1's nanny. In her opinion, she felt it couldn't hurt to have an expert evaluate Son #2. She recommended we reach out to Seattle Children's Hospital. We discussed what this meant and what we were indirectly admitting to. But in a leap of faith, we called Seattle Children's and got on the waiting list for an evaluation. Then we patiently waited.

About 6 months went by and we got a call. We had an appointment. The process was starting. And as is with most life changing decisions, we wondered if this course was right. Lengthy emotional conversations with my wife and soul searching marked the next few days. The question was simply complex. Do we have Son #2 evaluated and risk hearing what we internally worried of, or was this all in our head like many people kept saying.  The evaluation happened.  And the answers weren’t exactly what we hoped to hear.  But this first exercise validated the rotten feeling that had lodged itself deep in the collective gut of the family unit.  The evaluators opened a network to other resources; programs, studies, other doctors, families, etc.  The most important part of this evaluation was the recommendations for next steps.  It helped give us direction.

It’s been months since I've had the time or inspiration to capture life on this medium. After weathering what may have been my most challenging months of my professional obligation and now staring at what seems to be an insurmountable peak of business travel, today felt like an appropriate time to key in some hard earned thoughts.  This last year has been a journey for us.  But you realize early on as a parent, that you just when you thought you didn’t have any energy to continue on, there’s ALWAYS more you can muster up.

And while I can’t fix how my little guy processes information and reacts, I can help him develop tools to cope.  Today’s lesson is in personal perseverance; not just in me or my wife, but in my youngest son and his fighting spirit.  All it takes is one moment in time with the appropriate selection of music to remind you that your solid spiritual core is nonnegotiable.

If i can offer one piece of fatherly advice to my youngest son, it would be this: You can conquer this and you can conquer anything.

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Dear Monkey,

On dark nights like this, I’m left with my thoughts and reflections on the miles in front and behind us. I have to remind myself that this is a marathon and not a sprint to the end.  One day soon, you’ll be aware of yourself and how people have judged and will continue to judge you.  Just in the short time of this last year, we’ve seen just how different people react to you and us.  It will get better.  You will be better.

Because of our ‘like mindedness’ we don’t always see eye to eye and struggle to communicate.  My patience and slight denial may contribute to the overall challenge.  But all of that being said, you’re a very special priceless gem in my life.  It’s been a hard lesson to learn that I can’t fix everything.  The way you process information is what makes you unique.  It’s also what makes me want to shield you from the judgment of others.  But I can’t.  You need to grow and adjust to the world.  It won’t change for you.

But if there’s one small thing I could pass on to you it would be this: Always know that what makes you different from others makes you uniquely special to me and your mother.  These differences in you are what emphasize your importance to this world.

But it won’t be easy.  The system is designed for normal.  You and I aren’t normal.  Embrace your innate differences, defy the normal, question those who challenge you, and remain true to how you feel in your soul.

You do this and you’ll weather all of the emotional storms and come out the other side stronger and more balanced than those that judge you.  As your dad, it’s hard to stomach that I won’t be able to shield you from adversity.  But what I can do is give you the tools to be able to succeed against your challenges.  I’ll hold your hand as long as I can.

Overcome with Love,

Dad

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Like so often with life events, I seem to gravitate to music that audibly illustrates my convictions.  The song here will always remind me of coming to grips with how hard this will be for my son and our family.  Leave it to one of my favorite bands of all time to strike that perfect nerve.  As the song explains, you never know just how much you can conquer and overcome until you try.  But along the way, the fear and the loss seem almost insurmountable.  But you’re never given more than you can handle.  With Son #2, we’ll overcome.  He’ll overcome.  We’re hardwired to perseverance no matter the challenge.

Please listen and enjoy!