One thing I have never been able to understand, or even control, is my innate ability to be an ass. While it works to my benefit in social situations where I distinctly do not care about what other people think of me and may be trying to sabotage, it tends to backfire when I am spending time with family and want our time to last forever. When the latter of these two scenarios happens, I get fairly overwhelmed with guilt and regret. It is completely unfair to those I love to act this way.

Today was one of those days that seem to eternally haunt me. It started out quite productive by working in the new-son-to-be's room. I had hoped to get the space completed before his birth. Unfortunately, it has been an uphill battle with painting, molding, and decorating. However, I reached a satisfactory level of completeness where I could pick up later. Why I am explaining this will make total sense later, trust me. Back to the story, I moved on, had some breakfast, and waited for my brother in law to arrive.

My brother in law and I took off to the local professional football game. As a season ticket holder, I generally find a lot of joy in watching these matches. I feel like I have some vested interest or ownership in the team. This year has been no different, but the team has been less than competitive. Lately, I have felt like I am paying for some sort of faulty, half-ass product with an expired warranty being put on the field. So I pretty much get pissed off while I am watching. This is not good for anyone around me. I am an ass. We have some people who sit near us that we generally are friends with. Today, I was decent to them. Why? The team was competitive and my mood upbeat. A week ago, this was not the case. The team was losing, the people around us were dirt bag drunk, and I wanted to punch some of them in the mouth. Needless to say, I was much better this week. Hooray for me in acknowledging my ass-like behavior.

The team still lost. Whatever. It's been like that all season. So we headed home. My parents were waiting at my house for me to get home. My father and I were going to work a little more in my new son's room. I came home with a fairly decent attitude (non-ass-like). But that changed. In an instant, I just seem to lose focus and get bitchy about nearly everything. Approach me about a topic I do not want to discuss and immediately I shut down or respond rudely. It is completely unacceptable to behave this way toward the people I love. It happens and I can not seem to run a preemptive strike on it. Then I am coldly reminded by the guilt and regret I feel later after my loved ones leave.

We worked on the projects in my son's room. Things went relatively well considering I had absolutely no idea what I was doing and have an unreasonably high sense of perfection. As a side note, I would warn against EVER working on a project with me because of this. My father is a trooper though. We pounded through this and despite my feelings of imperfection, lost temper, and complete disregard for the level of skill the project required. It turned out well even though I cussed like a sailor along the way. I get frustrated and ultimately the world becomes my toilet bowl. Tonight was no different. My parents understand me but this does not give me the green light to act like an ass. I know that they find a lot of fulfillment in helping around our house and I am very appreciative. But I get fairly upset when projects do not come together or plans do not work out the way I had envisioned. My parents headed home hours ago and I am feeling completely guilty for not being pleasant. I am a dirt bag when I am in a bad mood. This routinely happens and you would think I would have some control over it. Nope.

I hope that I can work on this moving forward. My emotions have been complicated for a few years now, especially when it comes to family. I am an ass. They do not deserve this. Many times I have crawled back with my tail between my legs apologizing. They are very accepting of my attitude. I am fortunate. I know that I make things out worse than they really are. But I must be aware of this issue I have. I can't keep saying well there is always next time. I need to be on top of it now. I love my family. It is all I have.